2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
You Might Also Like
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
bout dat hot dog summer
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
*jazz hands*
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.