Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
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Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.