rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
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I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Catering service
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?