I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
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“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.