Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
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My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!