*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
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It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?