*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
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Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Botany good plants lately?
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*