I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
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Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Wasps: bees, but not helping
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family