Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
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I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Hamburger Hinderer.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?