Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
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[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good