No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
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If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”