If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
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Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking