I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
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Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors