Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
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Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
never ask a starfish for directions
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.