@CandyEmpires
@pizzajaynow Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
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@pizzajaynow 
@SexyInsomniac If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
@LuvPug I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
@knot_eye I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
@Stellacopter Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
@mazizkhalifa People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
@topaz_kell Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
@KimmyMonte Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
@iscoff If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
@TuffyNyC Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon