Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
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“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
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I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.