@CandyEmpires

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

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@pizzajaynow

Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”

Me: ”Yes!”

Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”

Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”

@SexyInsomniac

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

@LuvPug

I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’

@knot_eye

I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.

@mazizkhalifa

People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like

@topaz_kell

Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.

@KimmyMonte

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment

@iscoff

If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich

@TuffyNyC

Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon