just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
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coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
there has never been a better use of this meme
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?