Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
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Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!