Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
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My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
lmfao
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up