Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
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me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.