In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
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My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!