I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
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Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off