Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
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With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
So sick of all these stupid rules
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍