Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
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SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
eating my hot dog hamburger style
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
nobody’s gonna understand
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
#StillHurts
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”