My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
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bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?