My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
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People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.