My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
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When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.