If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
You Might Also Like
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Yup.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”