“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
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I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help