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Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy