You Might Also Like
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
That’s classic.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
This came to me in a dream.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits