COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
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[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
This 4th of July, please remember…
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”