I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
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Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.