Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
You Might Also Like
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
me when i see my girls butt
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!