The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
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Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.