Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
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Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Axl: Where do we go now?
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….