Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.

*Gets dressed.

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Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.


Axl Rose: Where do we go?

Me: Left

Axl: Where do we go now?

Me: Straight.

Axl: Oh, where do we go now?

Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!


me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?


I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,


I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.


HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed


Cop: Are you high?

Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so


GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”

BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”


My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….