Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
You Might Also Like
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
(Musicians.)
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I hate my earbuds.