Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
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My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed