Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
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her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.