My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
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Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.