Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
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WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Your secret is safeish with me
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]