Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
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HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”