As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
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I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
I hate when that happens.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.