I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
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“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.