I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
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I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
bought wrong eggs
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”