My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
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Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
What
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS