ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
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[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Monday?
No. Next question.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.