Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
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I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
And now we wait
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Happy birthday to all the women
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.