What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
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If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
[on my way back to the posting caves]
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter