Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…

thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have

Women are like campfires.

Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.

And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.

Mostly.

Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED

I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.

Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?

-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.

Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly

Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.

Her: When I was dancing in my panties?

Me: No…Cooking

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.

CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

[restaurant]

me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*

Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.

[When I offer my kid a new food]

Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?

[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]

Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT

When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.

Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING

Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder

SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.

Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.

My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.

You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.

The Punning Dead.

The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed

High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway

Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.