It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
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she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there