The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
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Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.