We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
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a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?