“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
You Might Also Like
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.