Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
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I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
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KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Phones down.
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I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
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Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
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[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.