[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
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*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Not my job 😂
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Do not levitate over flowers
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly