astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
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My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Oh yeh? Explain this then
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
#growingpains
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”