saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
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Overindulged this afternoon.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’